you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
