So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
