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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I think my fart just growled at me.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
