I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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