we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
