Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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