i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Even the bartender felt bad for me
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
