I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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