Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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