Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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