We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
