New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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