were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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