There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
