Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
