If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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