Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You are a genius and a whore.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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