you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
