The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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