I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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