I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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