I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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