Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Can you repeat that, but with context?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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