Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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