I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
