The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
