Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
