btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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