Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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