the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
