i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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