i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
What drink are we having for lunch?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
