my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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