i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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