I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
