Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
