Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
