I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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