My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
