What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
