but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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