i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
