The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
