Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
