If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
