You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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