who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I need water and some morals
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
