My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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