I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
