I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm too high and old for this...
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
