Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
