I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
