Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
