return my video game
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
