Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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