Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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