Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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