there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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