I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Randomize
