i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize