last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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